Howard K. Stern

Anna Nicole Smith marries this guy (or whatever they did), and in short time both she and her son are unable to manage their chemical consumption, both found dead of overdoses. For a lot of reasons, veteran FDA-approved drug heads are unlikely to go down in such short of a time after one another. Overdoses of street drugs typically take lives like that, bang-bang, but the retail variety have the dose and a billion dollar profit margin attached to their safety. So unless a lot of booze and the intent to commit suicide are in play, it’s tough to figure how the stuff could have got the best of them both.

If Smith was notorious for “gold digging”, then Stern has certainly automated the process. “Fuck a shovel!” He says, “I’m boring tunnels through this mountain, and I’ve got plenty of immigrants to help get the color back up to the surface once the mine is built.” A deadissue corespondent was recently undercover within the Smith posse, and reports back that after a week or so, it was clear that Anna was sporting the kind of tolerance that may have surpassed even that of Rush Limbaugh or Jerry Garcia. Whether stoned, laminated or completely blotto, the differences could only be noticed in terms of intake, as whatever the time of day, she was uniformly incoherent throughout.

And like the two aforementioned drug icons, her talent was not diminished in the least from all of this. Some point to her television show as evidence of her “ticking time bomb” nature in regards to life expectancy, but deadissue is absolutely certain at this point that for her to die of an overdose, foul play has to be at the heart of explaining why Anna’s suddenly failed. The simplicity in realizing a motive cannot be overlooked here, as by taking out her son, he was then possibly in line to become the lone heir of her highly litigated fortune. It is absolutely shameful for her ex-husband’s son to work all these years to prevent her from receiving what was rightfully hers all along, but the ability to borrow on that future payoff has never been a difficulty.

Now that she is dead, it has become impossible for our contact on the inside to operate undetected, so we’re changing up strategy in hopes of being out in front on this story throughout. From the arrest, arraignment, prosecution and sentencing of Howard K. Stern, you’ll be able to find out the scoop here at least a day before it breaks in the mainstream press. Some of this may be because we’ve simply made things up, but rest assured that the way in which we do it will remain absolutely consistent with the standard set by the entertainment media at the top of our food chain. I pledge to every reader out there, that all stories published by deadissue will be innuendo-heavy, very fun to read and worthy of your time. We are tireless in our efforts to get our arms around this story as it is developing and rest assured that no stone will be left unturned. OJ Simpson did not return our phone calls. Spokespersons for Purdue Pharmaceuticals and Abbot Laboratories would not speak to us on the record. Luckily, Howard K. Stern did contact deadissue early this morning, and he provided the following statement:

“If anyone is found to have played a hand in Anna’s death, that person will no longer work here. Other than that, our policy is to not comment on an ongoing investigation.”