Bush Addresses the Nation

President Bush approaches the podium to a standing ovation from the room full of soldiers, with a box wrapped in paper and tied around it a piece of twine. He places the box on the podium and raises one finger, quelling the applause. “I’ve got something to show ya, here in Fort Bragg, home of the airborne rangers and special forces.” With that he pulls on the twine and unwraps the package, opens the box at the top, and peers inside. “I was discussing tonight’s speech with my friend here, and he agreed that it was time to introduce ‘y’all, so without further, eh, wait-ing”, hand gestures providing emphasis to his words as he does so well, “everyone, meet Osama.” With that he reaches into the box and pulls out a human head, barely recognizable as the murderous scumbag himself, but the introduction launches the assembly into a fit of ovation with numerous audience members hollering obscenities at the head being held by the hair up over the President’s head.

He gestures with his left hand, urging the crowd to calm down, which takes about thirty seconds to happen. Bush removes the box from the podium, drops it to the floor, and attempts to balance the head in it’s place. It won’t stay put, so he looks offstage and gestures to someone to help out. A secret service agent appears with two large books to balance it, while several soldiers hop up and present letherman tools from their belts. A minute passes as the President and the agent attempt to bracket the head so it will stand up straight, to no avail. Finally a bespeckled man in three piece suit appears on stage with a metal spike in hand, the kind found standing up straight on desks and used to impale scraps of paper. The President is pleased as it’s placed on the podium. “Best staff money can buy.” The room erupts with laughter, as he takes the head with both hands and slides it onto the spike where it finally stands upright on it’s own. “I know he’s not much to look at now, but a few months ago this fella was pretty tall. Not many people know this, but I consider myself a decent basketball player. Suppose my friend here could have given me a run for my money.” Laughter again throughout the room, then subsiding with an extended period of silence. You can feel the energy radiating, as the President soaks some of it up before continuing.

“What I’m best at though, what America is best at, ‘y’all are best at, is rooting out those who have done our country harm and bringing them to justice. My friend here failed to understand that prior to orchestrating his attack on our country on 9/11. We can all be sure that he understands it now!” The crowd roars with applause, a few standing, prompting everyone to get up out of their seats. Bush responds by pulling the head off of the spike by the hair and again holds it above his head triumphantly. He bends over and picks up the box, replaces the head back into it and closes the top, then walks over to the side of the stage and motions towards someone. A garbage barrel is brought out, he nonchalantly tosses the box into it and returns to the podium. The crowd carries on with applause for a full two minutes before the President again motions with his right hand for silence.

“What I want to say to you now though is of even graver concern, and I ask for your undivided attention here. I appreciate your gratitude, but there’s still hard work to be done.” He looks down, grasping the podium with both hands for effect. Then, staring straight into the camera, “Unless we make a decision to act now, within a short amount of years, Social Security will collapse.”