Official Procedure: How to force feed a Guantanamo detainee

Anesthetic is administered to the patient in an innovative, cost-sensitive manner that respects the sanctity of his/her religious beliefs (aversion in the Muslim faith to alcohol/drug use).  This is carried out by corrections officers, who place the patient in a chair, customized with an elaborate system of straps used to restrain the patient’s head, shoulders, arms, abdomen, legs and ankles.  Following the anesthetic is a routine medical procedure practiced throughout the world every day.  A flexible plastic tube is inserted into the patient’s nose, down past the throat and esophagus and into the stomach.  during this phase the anestetic may begin to wear off as the patient reacts to the procedure, and at this time should be re-administered as necessary by corrections officers by tightening whatever strap has appeared to have loosened.  Of course this should not be perceived as the result of a poor job having been done initially, as the tube procedure will at times provoke a release of testosterone allowing the patient to experience brief spurts of enormous strength, often combined with a simple, misguided emotional reaction steming from a metaphorical connection of some kind between insertion of the tube and a criminal sexual act understood most often as one involving a victim and one or perhaps several attackers.  As foolish as this association certainly is, one must never doubt the capacity of a sick, primitive mind to draw such conclusions.  In this case the patient confuses an effort to save his/her life within an attacker/victim construct, merely due to the essential delivery by force of a foreign object into an orifice.  The medical staff’s job is not to attempt reasoning around the patient’s warped sense of reality, but to instead carry out the rest of the procedure in a calm, professional manner.  Anesthetic now strong once again, it is now time to deliver through the tube, life saving nourishment, deposited within the patient’s stomach, enough to ensure survival, though overhead costs should not factor into the amount of food used. 

NOTE:  Intelligence officers do have the authority to determine the amount of food delivered as well as the feeding tube’s thickness.  It is unacceptable to challenge this authority, and by doing so it can and will result in immediate termination and/or prosecution. 

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10 Responses to Official Procedure: How to force feed a Guantanamo detainee

  1. black dog says:

    Who are these mysterious detainees. We need to give em a bottle of jack and one night with Paris Hilton at the Pasadena Hilton. Get em good and drunk and then administer copious amounts of cocaine or crystal meth (their choice) or both then give em another night in Las Vegas with a pocket full of chips and if that doesn’t flip their ass over to our side then I dunno what else to do for em, give them a job driving trucks cross country?

  2. I’m not sure the government really knows what they’re all about either. A great piece in the NYTimes magazine two weeks ago…focused on a prior commander who, in my estimation, did a great job, or at least as good of a job as could have been done under the circumstances. I’ll try to dig that up and post it either w/in this thread or its own.

    The primary goal of a corrections facility staff does not coincide well with that of our intelligence aparatus, and the collision of disciplines often leads to one side telling the other what they’re doing wrong. A lack of leadership at the top is what creates something like this.

  3. S. R. says:

    Are you taking about a nasogastric tube insertion? Anesthesia is not used for that.

  4. I was saying the anestesia was the restraint chair…wasn’t clear enough in that one

  5. black dog says:

    And the lack of leadership goes all the way to highest position in the land.

  6. His problem is he’s too prone to cut the baby in half rather than tell someone in his inner circle something they don’t want to hear. Going over Vietnam War history this past month, and statements Cheney has made about that time in our history…how the US lacked the “willpower” to see that fight through. The man is extremely out of touch.

  7. black dog says:

    They micro managed the shit out of Vietnam and now they are doing the same thing in Iraq. That war broke this nations back and now they think we should be in Iraq. I dunno it gets really frustrating to even think about it. All I know is I stand behind the guys who fight and I wish them well. I guess this is way off the subject of forced feeding the mystery men. Cheney is in touch though…

    With the fucking oil trusts.

  8. captain_menace says:

    how the US lacked the “willpower” to see that fight through

    I personally think Cheney gets a boner when he envisions people dying in combat. Twisted bastard, good thing he’s not a heartbeat away from being Commander in Chief… oh.?

  9. captain_menace says:

    As foolish as this association certainly is, one must never doubt the capacity of a sick, primitive mind to draw such conclusions.

    Great line. You are the “Propagandinator”. That is pure 1950’s “beware the communist enemy” fare. Very good.

  10. Thanks – It’s always been a hobby of mine to dig back into the most ridiculous aspects of the cold war…just the other day I read something Henry Kissinger wrote (paraphrasing) “the effect of a nuclear attack need not be so destructive”, which prompted millions of American homeowners to build bomb shelters.

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