Pat: There’s no question…that the rain today in the northeast region of the nation, the home of New-YOrk CITy, the breeding ground of sin, and Massachusetts with their judiciary willing to risk the lives of CHRISTIANS EVERYWHERE by spitting into the face of God, then expressing NO remorse. And that’s why a thinking man understands full well that a gay-PRIDE PAR-ade experiencing some weather difficulties, may in fact be acquainting themselves with the oblivion their choices have steered them towards. I hear the Axe Body Spray advertisements have stirred up batches of homosexual fever across parts of Kansas and…
Bimbo: Which reminds me that for the next couple days we’ll be offering a half point plus worship minutes for every new subscriber referred in the month of July.
Pat: Yea, and what this means is, instead of getting the full point and really…NOTHING else to show for your donation to the Lord’s Work…heh
Bimbo: Doesn’t sound like a good deal to me, only one and none of the other!
Pat: That’s right, and so we realized that we just had to do MORE for EACH of you out there, busy working for the sake of humanity, and let’s pass that burden around, let’s SHARE it…
Bimbo: Abso-LUTE-ly! Ah-hahaha
Pat: So for the time we’re living in now, the last chance for all of humanity to spare itself the wrath of God, poised towards unleashing doom to everyone who hasn’t handed over their soul beforehand, much like the life of your average Venezuelan Christian, under the THUMB of a wretched dictator, Hugo Chavez, a plague to the righteous soul of humanity, and an enemy of Christianity everywhere.
Bimbo: Abso-LUTE-ly! The word of the LLord is all around you RIGHT NOW, and all over the world, right now…
Pat: It’s interesting you say that, as next we have a presentation of an amazing group of missionaries who have devoted their lives to bringing the word of God to the savages of wild Africa, introducing clothing and the WORD OF JESUS CHRIST to these hell-bound peoples…
Bimbo: Amazing…
Pat: Abso-LUTE-ly, here they are doing God’s work with YOUR HELP…
*Gleaming smile* That’s right Pat! For only a ssmmmaalll donashun, you can have God’s everlasting glory everyday with your morning coffee and Chocolate glazed donut!
Yes Yes – – let the rainmaking begin my Lord, allow the Sun to SHINE my Lord, and please please please provide me, in my horrific and dumbfounded state always, the sudden burst of brilliance that might allow me to relate to these loyal worshipers out there in livingrooms across the country, and impart to them how CRITICAL it is to the mission of Jesus Christ, that they pick up their phone and hook up the Pat-Mac w/ some green…where’re my nigga’s? HUH? SEND that GODdamned money, ya hear?!?!
The faggots are doomed, but there MAY BE HOPE for you yet. The ball is in your court, you can either pick up that phone and open up your heart, soul, checkbook, to the mission of this program, the 700 Club with Pat Robertson…THE mission of Jesus, THE ONE AND ONLY.
And here’s something I was just reminded of, about how the word of Jesus is being injected into the brains of teenage girls who are found smoking in school, to keep their lips off the deadly tobacco, and to prevent the DAMNING practice of sodomy, double damning if done in an automobile…and BELIVE ME, we’re hard at work every day, negotiating with God to add in the ‘triple damnation’ for performing the act while in a MOVING car…don’t want the D.A.R.E. mothers protesting the studio like they did last week….